In my work with clients who have experienced grief, one of the recurrent themes we talk about are the things that other people say. While there is agreement that most people have good intentions with their words, often the result leaves the grieving person feeling unheard and unsupported.
For those who want to say the right thing comes a pressure to not screw it up and with that pressure comes saying the wrong thing or saying nothing at all, which again leaves the grieving person feeling unsupported.
So, what to do?
For those who are grieving, others may want to take your lead and if you are comfortable talking about the loss, that offers permission for others to ask you more. When people ask the standard “How are you?” there may be times that you don’t really want to share the truth, depending on who is asking. At the same time, it is ok to take those opportunities to tell people exactly how you are doing to bring awareness that grief is ongoing, and some days will be harder than others, no matter how much time has passed.
For those who want to support the grieving person, a simple “I don’t know what to say but I am thinking about you” can mean a lot. By owning the truth that you are at a loss for the right words acknowledges that there is no right thing to say in such an emotionally heavy time in a person’s life. Offering practical support such as seeing if the person needs anything from the store or picking a date to bring a meal, offering to watch someone’s children for a bit so they can have a break, are all meaningful to the person who is trying to juggle so much at once. Those who are grieving struggle with asking for help and not wanting to be a burden so offering the help eliminates that barrier.
Sometimes nonverbal communication can also be effective. A smile, a hand on a shoulder or a hug without having to say anything are all expressions of support to those who need it provided they are comfortable with those gestures.
When a person is grieving, the one thing they would ask to make things better would be to not have had the experience of loss they have had. We do not have the power to take away those experiences, but we have the power to be mindful of how we offer support and recognize our limits to fix the overall situation. Stay away from giving advice unless asked and most importantly do not assume to know someone’s grief process as it is an individual experience.