This has been a big week for many families with kids returning to school. While a joyous occasion for many who crave the structure and routine the school year provides, others feel a deep sense of loss by not having their children with them or simply from not knowing what is going on in their lives for seven plus hours a day.
I remember the first days of kindergarten and how the first day felt surprisingly manageable, but the second day hit hard! I thought about my kids throughout that day wondering how they were feeling and what they were doing. Like a lot of parents, I could not wait to start asking questions, but did not consider how exhausted they would be and that they would not want to talk much about their day, even when it went well. That created a sense of loss. I had them back with me but was missing out on their experiences of the day.
Similarly, these same feelings creep up on their birthdays. While it is exciting to celebrate them, their growth and coming into their own, I am often hit with sadness at the things that will no longer be there as they once were. I think about the snuggles, reading books at bedtime, even the fun things that we used to do together are not as fun anymore for them. With a teen and pre-teen now, the lack of information shared feels much like those kindergarten days! Hello again grief.
I am often asked in sessions how two opposite emotions can exist at the same time. Excitement and sadness, gratefulness and loss….and I usually respond with “Welcome to Motherhood and another thing that we are not prepared to encounter in this role!” When so many messages about motherhood are about it being the greatest and happiest time of life (can we please stop putting this pressure on moms?), women are often confused at how they can feel such deep sadness and often express guilt for feeling that way.
The purpose in acknowledging these losses is to allow space to experience and feel them because they are a part of the journey.
These examples speak to the loss we feel when it comes to our children, yet there are other forms of loss as well for moms. Loss of identity, loss of experiences that may have been anticipated when becoming a parent but did not meet expectations, loss of the relationship with a partner before having kids to name a few.
Let’s give each other and ourselves grace to acknowledge the good, the difficult and the sadness of motherhood. Creating community around these shared experiences makes us stronger.
Grief takes many forms throughout our lives and please note this post does not address losses of motherhood that include pregnancy loss or loss of a child.